Top Ten Reasons Why Raptor Day Would Suck

 

#10.  None of my students will be around to achieve that moment that I keep threatening them with- “one day, you’ll thank me.”

 

#9. I haven’t read Finnigan’s Wake yet.

 

#8. Dinosaurs and Cheese hasn’t hit big enough that I can quit my  job, lounge in my pajamas, and train pug dogs to do my bidding.

 

#7. I still don’t know how to do the “Thriller”, nor have I managed to sing along to all of the lyrics of “It’s the End of the World” by REM.

 

#6. I never got my dogs- Mac & Cheese , nor have I gotten ridiculed yet for naming them so wickedly-awesome.

 

#5.  We didn’t get to do any of the  fun wedding crap like taste-test cake and register for stuff.

 

#4.  We would never know who the mother is in “How I Met Your Mother” or who the new boss is in “The Office”.

 

#3.  The Indians and Browns have yet to win a championship, a title, er.. a game.

 

#2. I’ve never actually reached the weight it says on my driver’s license.

 

And the number one reason why it would suck if tomorrow is the day of raptors?

 

#1. HPADHP2 (Harry Potter & the Deathly Hollows Part 2)

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An Ode to Me Mudder

Thinking about Mudder’s Day has me contemplating what it takes to be a ma. Surely there is more to it than the act of giving birth (a process that we’re not going to think about because it gives me the royal heebie-jeebies. Good at ya women who have decided to go through with that. I’m biding my time until The Fiance can do the birthing.).

So, what better way to discuss the ma-ness of my own mudder than to make a list?

50 Things That I love About My Mudder

1. She decided that I was worth the work and kept me around.

2. She calls me “Lil Girl” and probably will until the end of time.

3. She’s self-sacrificing. (Except when it comes to mice. Once, while we were checking out the backyard, she asked me to pick up an overturned birdbath. The birdbath was one of those that you filled with sand to make a heavy base. Well, as I picked up the base, a mouse scuttled out of the birdbath.  We both bolted. My gallant mother threw an elbow and pushed me out of the way in an effort to get in front of me.)

4. She’s really good at making peculiar hodge-podge meals.  She can take 4 seemingly unconnected food items and turn them into a seamless meal.

5. She has a fused left wrist. I have a fused right wrist.

6. She has a birthmark on the back of her knee. Me too!

7. She has spent a lot of energy trying to make memories for my brudder and me, even to the extent of inducing panic attacks. But then again, when Chuck and I think about the holidays- we always include the Xanax-moments of Ma, as well. Well played, Ma, well played.

8. She really, really, really wants to be organized.

9. She can tell by the tone in my voice what mood I’m in and can often predict the reason for my malcontent.

10.  She has raised The World’s Most Neurotic Dog.  She wasn’t too far off with the neurosis with the other kids either. (Have I ever told you that my various foods cannot touch one another?  Seperate bowls or sufficient space between each object, please.)

11. Ma understands when I say that I feel safer when I’m surrounded by books. In fact, Ma is the one who introduced me to the idea of ‘shopping’ at the library.

12. Ma dropped cigarettes cold turkey on request of my brother, but started up her coffee-love on some innocuous day.

13. Despite being taller than most of her peers, she stands up straight and shows pride in the way she carries herself. She said that that was a gift from her father who always reminded her not to slouch.

14. She’s quite crafty- she can make things pretty with the simplest of materials.

15.  Ma is a natural peacemaker.  Nobody can bicker too long without Ma coming in to solve the problem. In fact, her legendary intro is, “I know it’s not my business but…” (Her epic peacemaking event was when my dad was near his end.  The last five years, my dad and his sister had not spoken. Ma innocently lied to my dad, saying that my aunt apologized.  Dad mimed {life support turned my father into a circus performer in the last stage.} he was sorry too. : Boom:  Everyone was happy.)

16. She has gorgeous frizzy hair ( The Fiance added that one. He may have, once, insulted my ma’s hair.  Naturally, he has the rest of our marriage to live that down.)

17. She understands that my brother and I are severly different people and doesn’t try to make us the same person.

18. We use to dance in the kitchen.  When I go home…we’ll still dance in the kitchen.

19. My ma and I spent a lot of time driving us back and forth when I was in middle & high school.  Suggest a song that was popular in  2000. We can sing it. We knew all the songs.

20. She has the prettiest green eyes and knows how to use makeup to accent them.  I was lucky enough to inherit some of the color.

21. She’s proud of herself when she watches a movie.  Sometimes she goes years between seeing a flick.

22.  She saved my dad’s wedding ring. On the day I graduated from college, she bought a new silver chain. She put the ring on the chain, which I wore as I walked across the stage. She explained that I had a part of each of my parents with me that day.

23. She appreciates my sarcastic humor.

24.  Sometimes I can get her really laughing and then she does this howling-hoot sound.  I always get a sense of pride when that happens.

25. She taught me how to be a good daughter by the way she took care of her own ma.

26. Ma can appreciate the little things in life- such as the trees of Texas or the houses of an old town. She will also announce her appreciation  for things ad nauseum.

27. She never jumps to conclusions. (Such as The Night of the Elephant in which a wooden elephant was put away for Christmas, but did not resurface. She did not become hysterical and assume that the very large wooden object had been thrown out. Oh no, there were no hysterics for my ma.)

28. She has ‘adopted’ my three oldest siblings and truly loves them. She always says with a smile that she would have been their step-ma if the timing had been right.

29. She holds strong to her faith.

30. She named me after my grandfather, which made me feel connected despite him passing away just before I was born. My darling grandma would say, “I have my Andi back”. Again, a perfect connection that I could have, just based on my name.

31. We really want to read Anna Karenina. I’m on page 8. Ma has looked at the cover.

32. She loves kiddos.

33. Ma has a knack for picking out the best, unique presents for me.

34. She can fix a lot of household stuff. Who needs a man? ( “Minus cleaning a vacuum cleaner” The Fiance just interjected. C’mon now- have you ever washed each compartment in your vacuum? The Fiance has an odd obsession with clean vacuums.)

35.  She gives me great advice, even when I don’t exactly want it.

36. She volunteers and feels better when she does.

37.  Ma is close with her sisters, even though they are all very different.  I know she hopes I will learn from her example.

38. She’s proud of her niece and nephews- she’ll tell me pieces and parts about their lives since I’m not there to experience it.

39.  I’m allowed to store my stuff in her house.

40. She helped take care of my dad when he was really sick, even though they were divorced.Despite the divorce, my ma encouraged me to have a relationship with my dad. She always said she knew that a kid needs to have both parents even if the relationship was challenging.

41. We have ‘Coffee Mornings’ when I come home which consists of us sipping coffee and reading books on the couch.  Since we’re away from each other now, we sometimes schedule coffee mornings where we call one another while we drink coffee.

42.  We have spaghetti for our holiday meals because we had spaghetti when my dad came to our house for his last holiday. She wants to hold on to his memory.

43.  Once upon a time, she was afraid that the computer would explode if she touched it. Now she is fairly competent!

44.  She is the end-all-be-all of medical knowledge. Folks call her for medical advice and I know more medical based words because of her.

45. She loves her grandkids Melissa and Mel, despite not really being a biological gram.

46.  She understands my longing for a big extended family. She always does the, “Well, you’re the youngest child of the youngest child of the youngest child,” which explains why most folks in the family are a generation older than me and everyone else is…well…um.. beyond this Earthly realm.

47.  Ma loves The Fiance, the idea we’re getting married, and  The Fiance’s family.  She may bust from her love.

48. We talk for our dogs. We find this normal. Dewey has a voice. Noni has a voice. Thankfully they only talk when Ma and I are together.  The distance between quirky and insanity is a very fine line.

49.  She has taught me to eat healthy and exercise. We use to tease because when Ma was on a diet, we were all on a diet.  Mmm rice cakes.

50. She and I talked on the phone at least three times a day. She’s also adjusted her call-time because of my new life with The Fiance.  She’s ready to adjust to my new life without sacrificing the relationship she and I have.

 

In the end, my list is not because of what my ma did as an actual mother, but because of who she is.  Perhaps it’s not the  parenting techniques one employs, but how real you can be with your kids.  She is truly my best friend, through and through.

Now go hug someone.

(P.S- Did you forget it’s Mother’s Day??  Make your ma a card and include a list of things that you love about her. She’ll love it and it’ll keep you from getting the cold stare….Moms are so good at that look.)

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Obsession overload

:Circus music:

This is me juggling flaming torches while riding a unicycle and dodging flying beach balls. Got that visual?  Good~

Needless to say, assuming that you can take my visual and figure out the feeling of multi-tasking, that I’m feeling a bit under pressure.

Recently, our household has been dominated by 3 things:  Workouts, weddings, and wcoupons (The ‘w’ is silent. I wanted the alliteration, but couldn’t think of a ‘w’ word for coupon clipping. Again, I have the English degree- I can do what I want).  Today, we did all three of these things.

Let me tell you about INSANITY in case you aren’t in the know.  It is, exactly what it’s named for.  The Fiance and I are huffing and puffing during the warm up.  Forty minutes later, we are on the floor in puddles of sweat and self-esteem.  Needless to say, it’s a bit intense.  We finished Day :drumroll please: 2.  It promotes itself as a sixty-day program which will leave you with a ‘beachbody’.  Now, I don’t know about that. What I do know is that if I have another day of walking with 4 inch steps because of the searing pain in my calves (Poor baby cows!), INSANITY may just be a three-day program.  I’m just saying.

(On a side note: I have a great burst of satisfaction when I see the folks on the video starting to fall out towards the end of the dvd. )

Weddings:  Feels like everything we do is somehow tied into that magical day of undetermined date and location.  I’ve read two wedding books this week and am well into my third.  Did you know that old wedding rhyme has some reasoning behind it? Here ya go:

Something old, something new, something borrowed something blue:

Old as a guarantee that the love and affection she enjoyed before her marriage will endure,

New for success in her new life,

Borrowed as a symbol that friends may always be helpful when needed,

Blue to designate her loyalty and devotion to her groom.

Of course, we could have figured that out, even without the research to back it up. I just like that traditions come from somewhere.  I’m looking to find something to add a little pizazz to the ceremony.  Here’s another good one:

In Christian ceremonies the bride stands on the grooms left.  This was started when it may have been necessary for the groom to reach for his sword with his right hand in order to keep someone from riding up and stealing his bride during the wedding.

Of course, I am sorta’ hoping that The Fiance just skims this post because if he reads carefully, he’s going to get it in his head that he needs to have a sword in order to protect me from masked bandits and armed assassins…in Michigan…in non-downtown-Detroit, Michigan.

Right now, as I write, The Fiance is looking up venues for us to visit when we head up North.  He has, thankfully, jump headlong into the wedding planning.  I’m so thankful that my PIC (partner in crime) is totally onboard with helping out.  I know a lot of grooms take the “oh let her decide” view, but I’m lucky to have a future hubs that wants to be involved. 

Our last obsession has been couponing.  This is something that we started up months ago, but have gotten into big time over the last few weeks.  Our coupon book has finally been completed, which has made it a lot easier to deal with coupons albeit nerdier.

Go big or go home

Today though, we made a killer transaction.  We’ve been stockpiling coupons for cleaning stuff, knowing that Walgreens was due for a sale. And today, we got ’em!  A bunch of their stuff was buy one-get one. We also had coupons for money off.  AND, we did a few smart moves and received $10 in Walgreens in-store credits.  Ultimately our total was over $40, but we paid only $9.

I have to admit to you though, that things have gone from that vow we made a few weeks ago (See post: “New Obsession”)…..

Digging through the recycling to make sure he didn't throw out one of our valuable coupons...

Yeah…. we may need an intervention soon.

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Will you marry me?

:We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog:

So as we walked down the beach, my mind was full of “la la laaaa beach beach….wish I had some coffee…la la la.. beach, coffee, la la la”

Our path down the beach

The Fiance? Well, he looked a bit sweaty and twitchy and was having trouble making conversation. I just figured it was because it was 6:15 in the morning and his brain didn’t start until at least 6:45.

At last, we stopped walking and he said that he wanted us to remember this for the rest of our lives.  He hugged me, then got down on one knee (his left one, by the way. Did you know that that is the knee that guys are suppose to propose on? Also, if you plan to be knighted soon, that will also be the knee you’ll use. Keep it in mind).

So once he was on one knee, he stared up at me, reached into his pocket and pulled out a purple Easter egg.

“….” (This is the part where he blinks, then I blink then he gulps then I raise a confused eyebrow)

“………”

That was the point where he stared up at me and I stared down at him, but he forgot the part where he was suppose to talk. 

Naturally, I figured he was messing with me….remember the hotel bit from last post?  So I :mumbles: I pushed him over a bit.  Not a lot! Just a little. You know like a little shove-stop-pretending-to-propose sorta push over.

That must have woke him up a bit because he opened the purple Easter egg and showed me the ring.  He told me some lovely, mushy stuff and slipped the ring onto my finger.

Collective ‘awwww’ please.

While the whole thing was amazing, perhaps the best part was that once he had the ring on my finger, the sun broke through the clouds and cast rays of sunlight onto the water.

Our rays of sunlight!

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Andi.. will you..uhhh…

That’s right folks, The Boy has now become (drumroll please…) The Fiance!

Last weekend The Boy The Fiance planned a surprise trip for me.  For a few days, I was convinced that we were going camping. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you, but I  was hoping for relaxation over bugs and armadillos.

It just so happened that The Fiance knew exactly what was in my head (he always does it seems) and planned a trip for us to Galveston.  Now for you geography whizzes, you know that Galveston is right on the gulf. So as soon as I figured out where we were going (we were heading south…it narrows it down quite a bit), I was looking forward to sand and surf.

Our first stop was to the aquarium at Moody Gardens. Why, you ask? Because they have penguins!! Some of you may know my affinity for penguins- I understand their plight of being a flightless mammal. I too am a flightless mammal.  Perhaps my fella wanted to soften me up with a trip to see those cute little creatures. Regardless, our weekend was starting off on the right foot.

My Penguiny Brethren

Okay, so we get to the hotel. No wait. If The Fiance didn’t believe himself to be funny, we would have gone straight to the hotel. Instead, we leave the aquarium and drive down the road to a hotel that looks as though it were taken straight from a horror film.  He pulls into the parking lot, I gulp and put on a happy face. He pulls into a park lot and says, “Here we are!”…and after a few seconds he says, “No…this place isn’t good enough for my Peanut (I dare you to mock my nickname)”.  And down the road we drive.

Three other places. THREE!  He does this thrice…including spending five minutes stuck in the middle of the road trying to turn into a hotel’s parking lot, which wasn’t even ours.  He did upgrade each hotel he tricked me with, so I have to give him that.

Ultimately we wound up a really, really nice condo by the beach. It was newly decorated and didn’t smell like rotting corpses (I tend to be a bit frugal with my hotels. When I choose hotels, they tend to smell like rigor mortis has set in and generally the police tape is still hanging on the walls.), so I was loving it!

After a terrific meal and an even terrificer bubble bath (Yes, terrificer. When you have an English degree, you have justification to play with the language a bit), I was amicable to a sunrise walk on the beach.

So Saturday morning started (early, I may add) and I was affably awoken and convinced to get up.  I even managed not to be a crab about the whole thing.

That which I wasn't, thank you very much.

 

So we ambled out to the beach and walked along the shoreline.  It was quite cloudy and early and windy and early, but we were there.  In fact, I had managed to get my contacts in that morning, so I was feeling pretty good about the whole walk idea.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

::Tune into tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of “Geez this post better be good or I’m going to be pissed that she made me wait for a mediocre rambling of her weekend.”::

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Spring

The birds are out, the temperatures are up, I’m obsessing about my weight. Must be springtime!

I’ll admit it. I have freak outs about the way I look. And The Boy generally has to pick up the pieces.

Here’s my issue: I eat right and I exercise. Alright, so I don’t do extensive exercises, but I walk/ jog/ Wii/ stuff that looks like I’m burning calories. Besides, I’ve got a great personality and I brake for animals. It should count right?

Recently, The Boy and I have begun jogging again. Yippee frickin skippy.  I loathe jogging. It makes me feel stupid and it hurts. And and, well, darn it, it’s hard! My joints ache and I don’t see instant results.

See the basis of my problem? I want instant turn around.  And any person older than 20 knows that that’s just not going to happen. 

The Boy and I tend to eat pretty healthy when we’re at home.  Even when we eat out, I try and find the better option.  And yet, I’m still the same.

What’s the solution? Well push through! Work harder! Push it!  If you want results, then you need to work for it.  Water, water, water. Calories in vs calories out.

Reality?  I keep hoping I twist my ankle so I don’t have to exercise anymore.

(By the way, I wrote this post during my allotted exercise time this evening.  Whoops!)

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A New Obsession

Well shit.

Yeah. I said it. Shit.

I innocently pick up the remote, flip to TLC and :bam: there goes life as I know it. Gone. Out the window. Never the same again.

Whilst snuggling with The Boy (his teefers hurt because of the veneers- that’s a whole other story), we started watching Extreme Couponing.  Now, we’ve been clipping coupons for a few months now. We have a subscription to the newspaper and we get it delivered every Thursday-Sunday (because in my mind, that’s what adults do). From those papers, I clip coupons, put them into my ghetto-rigged coupon holder* and use them when we’re at the store (but only if generic isn’t cheaper).

We though we were doing well. We were proud.

Wrong-o.

Did you know that we were doing it all wrong? Did you know that there are people who are absolutely obsessed with coupons? Did you know that there are hundreds of websites dedicated to couponing? 

So enter my, “Well shit.” statement again.  With this knowledge, I’m in for a very large paradigm shift.  For The Boy looked at me and said, “We could do that.”  Now if you know him, you recognize that gleam in his eye and the dedication in his voice.

Can I get a “well shit” from the crowd?

So now, I’ve spent the last two hours learning that I need to get a binder with baseball card inserts to organize my coupons (why didn’t I think of that?), and I also need to find out which stores allow you to double coupons.  From that…well, we’ll take it slowly.

I vow not to stock pile 40 years worth of deodorant in my garage. I also vow not to overtake our spare rooms and refer to my supplies as, “My Beautiful Catch” or some other freaky phrase. 

I will maintain my composure. I will not have a meltdown in the check out line. I will not check out using 9 carts. I will not.

* My ghetto-rigged coupon holder is actually an envelope that holds lil’ alphabet dividers. Everything falls out. I will admit that I once had a minor-to-moderate meltdown because Jeff Gordon…er.. I mean, The Boy took a turn at 84mph and all my coupons spilled out of the holder and scattered throughout the car. It was ugly. : Phew: I feel better for confessing that. Thanks Reader.

Got any tips for your new Coupon Diva… er… Princess…um…  Clipping Cadet…. nevermind.  Let me know if you have a trick for me.

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Family Tree

They say that you can’t know where you’re going unless you know where you’ve been. (Who is they anyhow? Ugh, that’s a whole other rant. In any case…)

Recently I’ve started a quest to find out what I can about my family tree.  I’m the youngest kid of youngest kids, so I’m basically a generation behind the other family. My first cousins are my parents age and such.  With that big of an age gap, I feel a bit of pressure to get as much info as I can while folks are still handy.

Today I received a package from my aunt which included a list of birth dates, death dates, and off spring going back to my great-grandparents.  She even had the names of my great-great grandparents…well, one set at least. 

The thing that is interesting about it is all is the great chasm between the two sides of my family.  My mom’s family tree goes something like this:

“Well… your great-grandparents came over from Poland..or Russia…or maybe Slovakia.. but then it was Czechoslovakia… so maybe we’re Czech..or..well.  And some of your great aunts and uncles were born overseas and then moved to America.”

And that’s where the trail ends. We can’t even figure out if we’re Polish or Russian…but I’m half of whatever it is… or maybe not.

My dad’s side though has been in America for a very long time, so the trail takes me further. Because of my aunt’s ingenuity or perhaps organizational nature, I have a great start with finding out where I came from.  I remember my dad saying that my grandpa was a boxer that fought under the name Benjamin Ross.  I learned today that he took his pop’s name and his ma’s maiden name and voila- Benjamin Ross.

I don’t know what will come out of this search.  There have been some positive things already:

1. There are no repeats of maiden names/married names amongst the women. Guess who isn’t a result of incest! This girl, right here (The one with only two thumbs, neither of which are sticking out of my forehead).

2. The Boy’s relatives’ names do not show up anywhere on the list. Guess who’s not related!  Hooray!  Our future, hypothetical children also won’t have appendages growing out of their noggins!

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Innate Fears

Fear is an interesting monster. Some fears are learned from traumatic events from one’s past. Other fears are ones that grow into existence from somewhere deep within the mind.

As any parent knows, kids tend to grow out of their fears as they grow up.  I am no longer afraid of the dark. I’ve concurred that phobia, so long as I don’t think about aliens, ghosts, or the fact that the universe is inconceivably large..a universe in which anything is possible and one in which I have no control over my tiny miniscule existence. (Great, I won’t be able to get that one out of my head tonight)

Some fears are logic-ed to death.  Through logic, I realized that I’m not afriad of strangers anymore! I just really don’t care for people. See? Voila!

And then there are some fears that don’t come into fruition until we are faced with a new experience.

How about a ‘for example’?

For example: I’m afraid of sting rays.  I didn’t know that. Who really knows about their personal feelings about a sting ray? Have you ever truly interacted with one of these creepy-brothers-of-the-deep?

The Boy took me to Kemah Boardwalk on Saturday. This adventure involved feeding sting rays. Allow me to show you in picture form.

This is the Kemah Boardwalk sign. The Boy and I took a minor roadtrip so that I could visit Kemah!

 

Once at Kemah, we dodged seagull poo and made our way to the sting rays.

Now The Boy failed to mention that we were going to feed the sting rays, causing a mild swarm of scary swimmers.  I also need to make a confession. I didn’t know that I didn’t know what a sting ray was. I’m not sure what I thought they were, but certainly not what I interacted with.

The tank was shallow, the sting rays were plentiful, and my adrenaline was pumping

So at this point, The Boy spent ten minutes trying to convince me to stick my hand in the tank to feed the creatures.  I wasn’t having it. These things were sliding up the sides, opening their gill things and eeeekkk.  There was no way I was going to lose a hand.

Not buying it. At this point, The Boy was pointing out that four year olds were gleefully feeding the sting ray. I reminded him that I had more meat on my body for the sting rays to consume.

Now academically, I knew I was safe.  No one would intentionally set up an attraction that encouraged patrons to feed a creature if the creature was apt to maim.  That’s simple logic.  Funny thing about academic knowledge and reality….. the very real feeling of unadulterated fear definitely trumps that which I know to be true.

Long story short…

"Nom nom nom," says Sting Ray. This is my hand being gummed by a sting ray. This is also the point where I shrieked like a girl.

Now in most tales, our protagonist overcomes her fear and becomes a better person because of the experience.  And like most things here on Dinosaurs and Cheese, that just isn’t the case.

Okay, maybe I made my peace with the sting ray. Or perhaps I was just happy to be out of fish and leaving the tank.

P.S

Sharks suck too.

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Imaginary Conversations

“And don’t make me get out of this car and show you what ‘good manners’ looks like!” I threaten as I shoot him my most menacing look.

In reality, I have spectacular conversations in my head.  I stand up for myself. I’m assertive. Cool, calm, and powerful. I tell them how it should be.

My latest imaginary conversation was with a woman who had perfectly coiffed hair and an overly priced SUV.  On my commute home, I have to turn right near our house.  This lane becomes congested during rush hour and causes a fairly long line. 

Each day, as I sit and wait, I see cars that pull out of the right lane, move to the front via the left lane and then wedge themselves back into the right lane near the intersection.

I will remind you of a kindergarten law that I know stands true today.

No cutsies.

And so I spend my time edging carefully forward so as to avoid leaving enough space for a car to weasel in. I pull close to the line so they can’t do that move-my-front-end-in-make-you-let-me-go-ahead-of-you trick.

But my favorite time is when I’m a few cars beforethe light and I see a driver pull up next to me in an attempt to wiggle into a better spot. And I slowly, deliberately look over at her, ever so cooly take off my sunglasses, and with power in my voice, I tell her, “Your time is not more important than mine. I did the respectable thing and waited my turn. You think you deserve to be before me? You deserve nothing. Now you take that sorry excuse for a status symbol, turn left and think about what a waste of a person you truly are.”

In reality, I keep my head straight and imagine all the things I would say, if I were tougher and lived in a state that didn’t allow handguns.

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